STORY TOOLS

• E-mail story
• iPod friendly
• Printer friendly

Tell us about it

• What would you add to this story? Tell us what we missed.
• Do you have photos from this event? Documents we need to see? Share with us.
• Upload photos & videos
• More ways to get your stuff online and in the paper.

More Ethics & Civility

• Ethics & Civility: Life after high school — are they prepared?
• Ethics & Civility: Screening your children’s movies
• Ethics & Civility: Don’t push your own guilt buttons — nor let your adult children do so

Share and Enjoy [?]

I am sure I’ve mentioned in previous columns my concern about how much parents are giving materially to their children and in turn what children are expecting from their parents, and, in the future, from society. It’s a little frightening, as I’ve heard some young adolescents talking to their parents and it had that tone of, ‘You owe me,’ which is a sense of entitlement. Some of these children were quite demanding.

In some recent conferences, I had the opportunity to consult with other counselors regarding this very situation. I was curious as to what they were experiencing. We all shared the same common concern that children had this expectancy that everything they wanted should be given to them. It seems they think that since we are their parents and we brought them into the world we owe them whatever they want.

We also talked about the chores each family member was expected to complete. We shared what it was like for us when we grew up. Sometimes we weren’t too happy about having to do our chores before we could go out to play, but in the end we all agreed, we felt better about what we accomplished and what we learned about life. Today, many children are expected to do little if any chores.

There’s no doubt about it. We have been in several years of excessive giving to our children with diminishing expectations from the children.

Some parents say it makes them feel good to see their children ‘happy.’ They feel good about providing them with the latest video game, their own TV, phone, etc. Have you noticed some parents rushing out to get some of the hottest new toy or game as soon as it is advertised? Sometimes, it seems it’s all about what I am doing for my child: ‘look at me’! This may be connected with keeping up with the Jones.’

Several years ago, Teen Newsweek did some research showing that 30 percent of parents said that brand preference was of major importance to their kids. What a shame! Does a brand name on the clothing make you or your child a better person? Or is a label a safety net to hide behind? Does it give you better character? Does it build compassion and humility? Yes, peer pressure can be a detriment.

Growing up in a family is where you learn about life. How is a child learning about life when they’re only learning how to receive? I would like to share a few excerpts I found from Patti Teel, author of The Floppy Sleep Game Book For Children, in her tribute to her mother on Mother’s Day.

I quote excerpts from her tribute: ‘This Mother’s Day I realized that I owe my mother a debt of gratitude, not only for the things my mother did for me, but for the things she was wise enough not to do. Like most mothers of my era, my mom drove less, gave my brothers and myself less in the way of money, and material things and entertained us less. But, we didn’t feel any less loved. She talked about how “sometimes mothers can do too much for our children and rather than helping them, it can keep them from becoming responsible, resilient and self-reliant. ... By not granting my every wish, my mother helped me to have the incentive to delay gratification for a long-tern goal and to become self-reliant and capable.”

As parents, we naturally want our children to have the very best we can give them without being detrimental to their development. But I question is the material best, really the best for them? Is the material best going to bring future happiness for them or is it only a temporary fix? It can be compared to giving them a ‘happy pill’ to get them through a period until they wake up and find out they don’t have the self-confidence and self-esteem to get them through problematic situations in the future.

Giving our children too much can set them up for disappointment later in life. We need to let them learn to face disappointments early by delaying some of their gratification. Be cautious in your giving and give serious thought as to whether the giving will be character building or simply instant gratification.

Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.