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What a joy to be a grandparent! We know men are very proud to be grandfathers and are busting their buttons about those grandchildren. However, we normally hear more about the grandmothers — talking and bragging and showing pictures of those young ones.

It’s usually the grandmother that initiates the visits, the phone call, etc. Thus, for this column, while speaking to both, it’s geared more to the grandmothers.

Over the 31 years I have been working with couples, I have met quite a few grandparents. Many have found themselves upset over complications in their relationship with their adult child. Most often it was some interaction that occurred between the mother and the daughter or daughter-in-law over an issue regarding the grandchild.

Quite often these issues created hurt feelings for grandma, complicating her relationship with her husband. She wants him to stand beside her and agree with her. Yet, many men fear if they do, they would further antagonize their adult child and perhaps never see their grandchild again. As you can see, this can become very problematic.

It’s important that grandparents respect their adult children at all times. It seems that whenever grandchildren come into the picture, it’s easy to lose sight of that. Some grandparents have gotten very hurt because their children only stop for short visits with the grandchildren. Thus, they feel slighted.

Of course, you are disappointed! You have been waiting for this opportunity and now it’s too brief. However, we need to be aware of the needs of the parents. Did it have to do with the time of the day? Was it nap time? What other responsibilities did your adult child have to accomplish? Instead of being upset because the visit was too short, perhaps you could be happy that they cared enough to visit at all.

Be considerate about your visits to see the grandchildren. Please do not arrive unannounced. Some young mothers have shared how they hate drop in visits! It upsets their whole routine. If grandma comes right before nap-time it can make it very difficult to get the child to settle down. Best advice: Call first.

Perhaps, you need to realize this is not just about you. It’s also about your adult child, and your grandchild. Put yourself in your child’s place. Remember all the responsibilities you had and how you tried to keep things on a schedule for the family. Respect the routines the parents have in place for your grandchildren.

I have watched my daughter during these past six years with her three little ones, now 6 and twins 4½. She has worked hard to have a routine with them. She realizes there are times that routines have to be altered and in those situations the children are able to adjust and do fine. When a child knows what to expect, they are more comfortable happier, and adjust more readily.

Another extremely sensitive area between parents and grandparents is the discipline of the children. I don’t think anything hurts us more as parents than to see our grandchild punished or disciplined more severely than we believe is relevant to the cause. (Of course, I’m not referring to childhood abuse. If that is the case, you do need to speak up.)

If it’s not abuse, I caution you to please hold your tongue! Take some deep breaths and relax and think about how you might perhaps be able to process this later, either within yourself or with the parent. It’s best to withhold from reacting emotionally. Think about when you were a parent. Did you have a parent or another interfering person in your life that tried to tell you how to discipline your child? Did their interference bring closeness to your relationship? Or, perhaps it brought resentment and distance?

Be happy and enjoy every moment you have with your child and your grandchildren and make it the best. Encourage the parents in what they are doing. Respect their privacy and needs. Just be there for them. When your child wants information, be there as a consultant. At that point, they will be ready to listen!

You did it your way. Let them do it their way!

Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.