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It has been my experience that most couples view their marital differences as a negative experience. Some couples have expressed their arguments as being so stressful they didn’t feel they had the energy to continue. Others related if my spouse loved me enough he/she wouldn’t be arguing with me so much.

One of the main problems I see is that people take arguments personally. They want to be right all of the time. They are not able to see their partner as wanting to be honest with them and only wanting to share how they feel about a situation.

Some people handle conflict with a real determination to come out a winner. Thus, they are only willing to be on the defensive of what they are going to say to defend their position. They are going to prove they are right. They really don’t even hear what their partner is saying. In doing this, their emotions get so high, that the intellectual part of them is not acting mature. They are just hell-bent on winning the battle. This is not a healthy relationship and the communication is one-sided. It’s typically the inability to listen to the other person’s ideas. In this case, there has been no effective problem solving involved.

On the other hand, some people have a fear of conflict and thus will do everything they can to avoid it. Some fear that the other person may not like them if they disagree with them and they will lose them. Thus they fear risking that and do not speak up. However, when they fail to speak, they are cheating themselves and their partner.

Naturally, it’s a comfortable feeling to know that our spouse is in agreement with us. On the other hand each of us is a unique and distinctive human being with our own opinions and preferences. It’s our responsibility to ourselves and to our partner to communicate our wishes and needs to our partner. If we do not do this, we will likely harbor resentment and in turn will create hostility and distance in the relationship.

Conflicts are inevitable and are a normal part of life. They will naturally occur throughout our lives. We need to learn to live with them. Running from them will only make them worse. Learning to work through them will enable you to feel more comfortable as each situation arises.

I remind couples they are a team working together to solve a problem to bring peace and happiness for both of them. They are not fighting each other. It’s not a battle where there is a ‘win’/’lose’ situation. Instead, I help them see they are working toward a ‘win’/’win’ situation where they come out winners together.

In working through this process, it’s important to see there is no right or wrong in the matter. It’s simply a matter of personal choices. In our communication, we need to speak with respect at all times. We definitely need to avoid throwing insults. No name-calling is permitted.

It’s important that we listen to what our partner is saying and truly hear how he/she is feeling. This means that we are not preparing in our minds our defensive comments while our partner is speaking. I instruct couples to clarify what they heard their partner say before they respond with their statement. (All too often, couples are responding defensively to something they thought their partner said which, is in essence many times something the partner did not say!)

When couples are committed to working together and truly listen and hear each other’s needs, they will definitely find a deeper sense of connection, commitment and intimacy. That’s ‘true love.’

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Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.